Moving on

Its funny how things that are so important to you now, can not even matter within a year. They say that time heals all wounds, but does it really? If you keep yourself, stuck in that situation, dwell on the things that you can not change. How does it heal? Bottom line is that it doesn't.
That is just how you get depressed.
   During this time of soul searching. I am learning to accept the things that I can not change. To forgive myself for the mistakes I have made. Even if people are not willing to forgive me.
   When I was at church the other day, they said how can we possibly expect God to forgive us, if we can not even forgive the people that have hurt us. This got me to thinking about all the people in my life, and who I have not forgiven. Some things are really hard to forgive, like my cousin that was driving the car, that killed my sister. I think I would of found forgiveness. If I hadn't heard that she was blaming my sister for the car accident. We will never know if that was the truth or not, but after hearing that, I was like there is no way in hell that I would forgive that bitch.
  But now that time has passed, I look back on it. I realize that I didn't actually hear her say that. It was here say. The fact of the matter that will not change is that my sister is gone, and no matter what I do, or how I feel she is not coming back. So I can honestly say, with a truthful heart that I forgive my cousin. The fact of having to live with the fact that you killed another human, is hard enough. Then knowing that people hate you for it only makes things worse.

 

 This also makes me think about my mother, who beat me as a child. I have always kind of held a grudge, because she not only physically abused me, but there was a lot of emotional abuse as well. She hinted to me a few times that she was sorry, but she said she kind of felt like I deserved it. Everything I tried to do, she would always tell me I was not good enough. Singing, she said I sang through my nose to much. If I did well in school, I would not get recognition. It was only if I did bad things, that she would give me attention. Even if it was not the attention I was necessarily seeking, it was better than no attention at all.
    Even though, I hold animosity towards her as an adult. I am still ready to forgive her. Life is about moving forward, and how can we move forward if we are constantly looking back?
     To be forgiven, first you must forgive! I am ready to be a better person, and I am taking one step at a time, one day at a time. If everyone was put on blast for every bad decision we made, and not forgiven, the world would be a worse place than it is now. Besides, bad choices and anger do not go hand in hand. Look where we are in the world today because of this.
  So in closing I would just like to say, if there is anyone in your life you haven't forgiven, then don't expect to be forgiven, for the wrongs you do in life.