I have hurt a lot of people in my time. Done things that I am not proud of, but it was ME that did these things, and ME that needs to take responsibility. I have gone through my life, and I have lost a lot of people, because of my actions. I almost feel like I live with a demon inside of me. I want to be a good person, but I don't quite have the tools to do it.
You see, I grew up in a household where I was beaten, and lived in constant Chaos, When you grow up in that kind of environment, it molds you to the person that you are. I am not using that as an excuse in anyway, but it is the truth.
Inside this girl you see, that is a constant liar, deceives others, seems like someone you can not trust. Lies this girl, this girl that is scared, afraid and alone. I feel like I can not trust anyone, but myself. Don't really feel worthy of love, and still feel as though I am a (black sheep) Trying to be loved and fit in.
As far as identity goes, I am thirty and feel like I have not truly discovered who I am. I want so badly to be the person that I think I am, but that person is not considered a good person.
I have cheated, betrayed, deceived, trashed friendships. And I don't understand why, I do the things that I do.
Most recently I lost a friend that was so near to my heart. I would do anything for this girl, she was my Best Friend. But even she had her bad qualities, but I looked past them. Always talking behind my back, and I really felt like it was a forced friendship. The thing is I am so used to people fucking me over, that I tried to keep my heart at a distance, but as we continued to grow closer, I put all that to the side.
I was also friends with her husband, and this is where the mistake came in. I enjoyed hanging out with the both of them, She was funny. Always found a way to talk to me and get her points across, made me kind of look at life a different way. As for him, we related on a different way. We were both foster children, both Alphas, and had similar interests. I had both of their friendships. Everything was great until one night in their Garage My friend went to put her son to sleep. We all had been drinking, so her husband and I got into a big conversation, a conversation about life. The bad, the good, the funny. Then the conversation got deeper. Then as we are sitting there. He looks right at me, and says. " I am just gonna go for it", and reaches in and kisses me. Then like a dummy, I kissed him back. Immediately I had a gut wrenching feeling.
After he does this, " He then looks at me, and says. " You are not gonna tell her that YOU kissed me, are you?", making it look like I had been the one to initiate this. I immediately got scared, thinking he is going to plant this on me.
So I never said anything, and I went home that night, and could not stop thinking about what happened. He had just kissed me, and now he was saying that, he was going to tell her, I kissed him. So I made a pact in my head, that I was never going to say anything, and that I needed to keep on good terms with him or else. He was going to put the blame on me.
I continued to talk to him on facebook, as friends. Trying to put it out of my mind.
Besides we were friends, and I really didn't want to stop being friends. I had a lot to lose, and I was not willing to lose my friends, my life, or my marriage.
Then one day when I was working, he decided to call me, confess his guilt, and proceed to tell me that he still really liked me. I just told him that we should not talk about this ever again, and just move on as friends like nothing happened. He agreed, I really didn't want to get on his bad side, and I was so scared to loose His Wives friendship, when she was a huuuge part of my life.
About a month later, my husband discovered that we were talking on facebook, it was a friendly conversation, nothing that would of looked bad, but I decided to erase the conversation. Remember I wanted no evidence or what had happened. When my husband discovered the texts, I knew I was in shit, but to make it worse, was that was also the day that he called me at work. So then it started to explode.
My husband called her, and let her know that we had been talking and that I had deleted the conversation. She then looked on her husbands phone and realized he had done the same.
I had lied to my husband and told him that her husband did not call me at work, at first. I didn't want to lie, but it was a quick defensive mechanism.
After him continuing to probe me about it, I finally admitted that he did call me.
Her husband lied, and said that he didn't call me at first either. Until he found out I admitted it, then told her he did.
We all talked through it, and I reassured both of them that nothing was going on, and he even called my husband to say that nothing was going on. There was some hurt feelings, but me moved past it.
Then months later, My friend was sitting in the Garage with one of her husbands friends. When he proceeded to tell her that her husband and I kissed, and that she needed to take revenge on her husband, by getting with him. So then it came up again.
She confronted me about it one day in the garage, Once again I went on defense saying that he was lying just because he was trying to get with her.
So I made up this huge lie, trying to do whatever I could do, to convince her that it didn't happen. I really felt like I should of been honest, but I knew that I would lose her, and her husband would MAKE SURE That he could blame me for it.
I didn't just lie to her about it, I also lied to everyone else that was connected with me and her, I didn't want to be looked at like a bad person, and I was so scared that if anyone found out, I would lose everyone.
Well the Karma did eventually catch up to me. My Friend and her husband broke her windshield, left her with no money, and she had to get her things together, and leave. I decided fuck him, he is not gonna do that to my friend. So I sided with her, Was there to comfort her and let her know that I would do anything to help her out, realizing that I could face him telling her about what had happened. At that point I didn't care anymore. I was there for HER! Well they ended up making up briefly, and I drove her home. Then just a few short days later, they were at it again. He left her stranded out of town, and she needed a ride. A mutual friend went to pick her up and take her to the hospital, where her sister in law was with her brand new baby.
I had to go church that night, but she asked me to pick her up after, and take her out to her house . Her husband was so angry with her that he was threatening anyone that was willing to help her. I didn't care, and at this point I was ready to face anything that he may throw my way. So I took her out there to grab her childrens clothes. He was so convinced that she was cheating on him, he was irate. Then as she is had grabbed all of her clothes, and they were still outside fighting, he looks over at me, and says "Thanks so much, for bringing her out here". "Bringing her out here when I am all fucked up". I just looked at him like he was being ridiculous for the way that he was acting to her. Especially because of what happened between us. He knew what I was thinking, because he looks at me and says, "you shut your mouth", "you better shut your damn mouth". I really was ready to tell her, but I couldn't find the words, after all that was going on, and how emotional she already was. So I didn't say anything. I helped her carry her things in, told her bye, and closed the door.
The next morning, I was getting ready for work, when my friend calls me and told me, that her husband said that we kissed. I immediately jumped to the defensive side, but after I hung up the phone. I knew now was the time. The time to come clean, and just let her know, but first I needed to be honest with my husband.
I calmly walked up stairs, and with a heavy heart. I knew what I had to do. So I told him, how he kissed me, and told him knowing that it would hurt him, that I regretfully kissed him back. He was immediately disappointed, which is understandable, but in my head I was relieved. Relieved that I finally got it out, and that he knew. I knew that she was next on the list to tell. So I sat down on the stairs, took a deep breath in and began to type. I told her the truth, and just let her know that I had to confess to Ryan first, but it was the truth. I made a mistake, and that I love and care for her, she responded with "Fuck you Bitch", I would of said the same thing if I were in her shoes, though.
Well after I had felt like I had taken about 20 lbs off from telling her and my husband, but I knew she would never forgive me, but the release from telling them made it me willing to accept it.
After I got to work, I got a text from my husband telling me that, her husband had told her that I mounted myself on top of him in the garage that night and kissed him, turning it around on me like I had initiated it, just like he had told me he was going to do.
I immediately was filled with Rage. There was no way in hell that I was going to let him get away with pinning this as my fault. He had also said that I had came onto him on multiple occasions, which was a lie.
I was so angry for him to tell the truth, which finally he admitted that I was not on him, but it does not change anything.
I have lost trust in my husband, Lost a best friend, and half of my family wont talk to me anymore. I have a newborn niece that I can not even see.
The kids now, have lost close friends, and my nephew and niece, all because of this.
So where do I go from here? I am having to accept a hard punishment, hurt people, and I can't change anything. I am so ashamed of myself. I know that I deserve all of this, but it still hurts. If I could go back and change the past, I would of done it in a heart beat.
I think I am gonna have time for reflection, time to realize what I can do to better self as a person, and just to keep my head up.
Everyone makes mistakes, mistakes are made for learning, and growing as a person. I am done hurting the people that I care about the most. Now I just need to keep moving forward, and keep growing as a person.
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